Turmoil Within
Alright, I
am going to confess that I struggled with my first reading of Esther 7. There is a part of me that genuinely believes
that Haman got what was coming. There is
a part of me that hearkens back to Deuteronomy 19:19 and wants to lift up that verse
within this story and justify the outcome.
There is a part of me that enjoys watching the “bad guy” get what he
deserves.
But then
there is the Christian inside of me.
Yes, I
intended that to read and imply that my first paragraph is not the Christian
response to this story. It’s simply
not. It is my human response. It is my humanity that cheers out for the
guilty to receive what they deserve. But
it is not my Christian side.
When I
find myself cheering that the “bad guy” gets what he deserves, I have to also wonder
if I will cheer when unrepentant sinners will be condemned to Hell because they
got what they deserve by not turning to God in the midst of their sin.
Let that
thought sink in for a little. Reread it.
When I
find myself celebrating the proclamation of Haman’s death I wonder how I will
feel at the Great Judgment. Will I
celebrate when they get what they deserve?
Will I cheer at one of the saddest moments of humanity?
Then I
wonder how I will feel when I don’t get what I deserve. God has promised to forgive those who ask of
it. He has promised to save those who
humble themselves before Him and trust in Him.
He has promised mercy and grace upon those who do not deserve to
experience mercy and grace. If I spend
my time enjoying watching Haman get what he deserves, I wonder just how much of
a hypocrite I will feel like on judgment day.
Because the truth is that I will deserve punishment. But I’ll get grace because of Christ.
Now, you
might have picked up on an important condition in my prior paragraph. Let me be clear. I’m not preaching universal salvation
here.
I think
there will be people who receive mercy in spite of the guilt of sin in their
life.
On the
other hand, I do believe there will be those who are judged and condemned.
It all
comes down to whether or not we were willing to receive the free gift of grace
and salvation that God has extended out to us.
Salvation is God’s work and He has offered it to all. But only those who receive it – those who are
humble, confess their sins, and turn to embrace God’s ways – receive
salvation. So repentance is an important
part of the response to God’s grace.
That’s why
I am really troubled by this passage.
Haman begs for his life. Esther
rightly accuses him – for he is indeed guilty.
But then I am torn because Haman begs for his life. We don’t genuinely know how Haman handles the
proclamation of guilt – we simply know that he begs for his life.
The Unknown
Let me
explain that last sentence a little more deeply. If Haman is simply pleading for mercy and for
his life to be spared, then I think the punishment is just. If he is simply concerned about saving his
own neck and manipulating the grace of Queen Esther and King Ahasuerus, then he
has not genuinely repented. If he has
not genuinely repented, then he has not met the condition for receiving grace. If this is true, then I am perfectly fine
with Haman receiving the punishment that the king pronounces upon him.
But there
is a part of me that simply doesn’t believe that Haman was solely concerned for
his life.
As soon as
I wrote that the Spirit within me said, “Really? Your experience with humanity let’s you think
that it’s all that hard to believe in this situation that Haman could skip
genuine repentance and only think about his own life?” When I think about it that way, I guess it
really isn’t that hard for me to imagine Haman selfishly pleading for his own
life without recognizing the error of his way.
But just
for the sake of argument, let’s say Haman does come to the realization of how
badly he has acted. Let’s say that in
pleading for his life he says something like: “I screwed up, really badly. Have mercy on me!” For the record, I don’t think that this is
out of the question, either. I know a
bunch of human beings who would be able to move past their selfishness and
actually confess their sin. If Haman
said this much, then I struggle with this passage. If in pleading for his life, Haman comes to
an understanding about how badly he has messed up, then where is the grace?
After all,
is that not the sum of what any of us can say to God? “I screwed up, Lord. I screwed up really badly! I see now – after the fact – that my ways
were not your ways. Have mercy on
me!” We trust that God will have mercy
on us. We trust it because God promises
it.
I guess in
the end, my struggle with this chapter has led me to a really good place. I can’t make a judgment on this chapter,
because I don’t know if Haman was genuinely repentant and saw the error of his
ways or if he was simply selfishly pleading for his life without recognition of
what he has done. The Bible doesn’t tell
us. There will be those who say that
since the Bible doesn’t say, he wasn’t repentant. That may be the case.
But I can
say this. Today I have been reminded of
the importance of understanding my errors and confessing them. Anyone can plead for their life. Anyone can be a self-monger and tell God that
they want to continue to live. But the genuine
follower of God doesn’t plead for their own life as much as they seek to
understand how badly they have messed up – and thus how badly they need God’s
grace.
That is a
great understanding to have struggled my way into recognizing via Esther
7. Praise be to God that God can teach
us as we wrestle with His Word. It is
the treasure and the end of the journey.
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